Welcome to the Machine
April 17th, 2005 by Adam
I’ve been agonizing the past week over the best way to introduce myself to Ben Sheldon’s Citadel of Rational Thought, Humor and Good Cooking, and simply it is this:
I love retards.
Maybe you’re thinking you misread that, so I reiterate: I love retards– those lovable little bastards who try to scratch, piss, kick, bite, spit and shit on me every day of my professional life. Working in a special education classroom, I spend the better part of 30 hours a week chasing down runners, wiping asses, blowing noses and washing my hands. Between those lovely romps we play, sing songs, learn how to speak, walk, count, blow bubbles, give thumbs up, and any other cognitive skill that a 7 year old with Down’s syndrome or Neuromuscular Orthopedic Impairment might lack. And, despite the vile juices that often ooze from these children, I love my job
The problem came a while back when a coworker told me very plainly that I couldn’t use the word ‘retard.’ I looked at her quizzically, looked to my right where light of my life was busily chewing on a marker and ignoring her coloring sheet, then looked back at my coworker like she was insane. She didn’t even give me the chance to defend myself before she proceeded to tell me that ‘retard’ is a “bad” word, and that I am a bad person for using it. It was at this point I wanted to punch her in the throat—not for calling me a bad person, that shit is more or less true (Hi Terri! How’s hell?), but for trying to challenge a writer on an issue of language.
So I did what any 9th grade English student with a lame assignment would do, and referred to my homeboy Webster. Just as I suspected, ‘retard’ as a verb means to 1: cause to delay or impede, 2: slow the growth or development of, as in “Brain damage will retard the child’s language development” or “your refusal to shower will retard your chances of getting laid.”
The problem, ladies and gentlemen, is that we as Americans have a bad habit of letting our language be corrupted by slang and colloquialism. When a child is born, and something in the early stages of development (unhealthy diet, drugs, vengeful god, or a poorly aimed coat hanger) impedes some aspect of their cognitive development, their growth has been retarded, and they are retards. Plain as fucking day! Just because grade school children and idiot frat boys use the word to describe anything they dislike does NOT mean the word is somehow ruined or any less true. But for the sake of debate, how else would you refer to such a child? I’ve heard every asinine phrase in the book from “a person suffering from cognitive dissonance” to “MR” (which is a dry and dehumanizing way of saying ‘mentally retarded’) to the most nefarious of all, “differently abled.” Those words stick in my throat. Elton John can draw a crowd of 80,000 to see him dress as a duck and play piano. Tiger Woods can play golf and smile wider than anyone else on the planet. Paris Hilton can fuck (very well, I might add) on the internet and achieve new levels of stardom. I can wipe asses and drink a liter of Jack Daniels without putting the bottle down. We are all differently abled, and saying that is like saying we’re all special, which is really a way of saying that no one is special.
But really, what is more nefarious? My use of the term retard– applying it to the students I love and protect– or a system that shuffles these kids around, constantly changing the way we refer to them in a vain attempt to stay one step ahead of the PC Nazis? I work in a district where all sp. Ed. Parents want their children labeled as autistic because the district gives infinitely more support and services to autistic children—your garden variety retards don’t get shit! Why is no one complaining about a system that says autistic kids are more worthy of support, and retards less? In effect, they assign more worth to autistic children, implying that retards have less worth as children and students. And I catch shit for calling a spade a spade? Fuck that!
This is not a problem of language, but of parlance. The word ‘retard’ contains no intrinsic negative connotation, and refusing to say it because some people (who ARE NOT retarded) find it offensive is stupid. Substituting bullshit PC language detracts from what is otherwise a simple word that describes a complicated problem which hundreds of thousands of human beings have to deal with.
So I say retard, and relish the way the vowels drip off my tongue, and the looks of shock and disdain I receive from well intentioned people who don’t have a skull-fucking clue as to how they’re corrupting language and doing a disservice to the very children they claim to care about.
Though I doubt that girl will ever truly understand, punching her in the throat might open up her eyes– if only for a few seconds while she gasps for air.
Just getting warmed up,
Adam
When was the last time you ever heard someone–to establish class, let’s say someone wearing birkenstocks–say “I’m going to go discharge some fecal matter.” No sir, they just create words terms like “Go to the bathroom,” which then gets pejorated cause everybody now knows that means “fat dump” so they come up with something new.
I didn’t know that districts gave more money for autistics. I guess everybody wants an idiot savant, and who knows, maybe we’re placing the wrong emphasis on things. I may be of above average intelligence, but any number of these kids could drool me under the table.
It’s not that they give more money, per se, but more and better opportunities: more access to OT, PT, Speech & Resource, etc. The district is too cheap to hire one on one aides for the kids who really need it, but if the child is autistic they will pay ACES, a company that works just with autism, a ridiculous amount to come take care of them. It seems weird that to avoid paying someone 12$ an hour and giving them health insurance you pay 50$ an hour for another company to do it.
Thanks for the interest, my mom just thinks I’m evil.
Brillant post. Read it outloud to my wife and will forward it on to a number of people. I must say that the image of someone wiping asses while drinking from a bottle of Jack Daniels will never leave my brain.
The real question Adam leaves the reader is “How come Adam isn’t this funny in real life?”
—–The Linguist’s Point of View—–
After reading this post, I feel compelled to mention my official Linguist opinion, and clear up a common misconception.
Language can NEVER be corrupted, misused, or improperly altered as long as the general public understands your meaning. Slang, colloquialisms, “improper” grammar, and countless other “imperfections” are allowing language to change with the needs of the speakers.
That being said, I can address the point that Adam was making in different terms.
As Ben mentioned earlier, retard is a pejorated word. Going back my point about language changing, people are constantly adjusting lexical items to reflect their feelings about the word.
As another example, “odor” used to mean “having scent,” but because most comments about scent are negative, it took on a negative meaning.
This is what happened with retard. People are uncomfortable around them, they are uncomfortable seeing them, they are uncomfortable knowing that they are real people.
These language subtleties reveal people’s own discomfort with the world around them.