Innocent Abroad

My brother got married.

I know what everyone who knows us is thinking– ‘how could the guy who wants to write an anti-marriage book go and get hitched?’ The answer to that question is 1) I don’t know, and 2) you sorely misunderstand the purpose of our non-fiction tome-in-planning Marriage Is Dead. Suffice to say that the ceremony was beautiful.

We were beautiful.

Favorite Cousin Nathan was beautiful, er, handsome.

The bride was beautiful.

My date was especially beautiful.

I was moderately attractive, but mostly drunk and excited about my new toy:

AND WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS ABOUT????

I’ve had several requests for a transcript of the ceremony, which I wrote back in April specifically for Brandon and Janelle. A ‘traditional’ ceremony wasn’t going to fly, and considering that their friend Tannan was administering the vows, it seemed right to make it a family affair. It was truly an honor:

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Welcome, friends and family of Brandon and Janelle. I am honored—SPACE FOR TANNAN TO BLUBBER ABOUT HOW HONORED HE IS. Some of you are probably skeptical as to whether they are actually going to be married today. However, I can assure you of two things. First, Joseph Addison was correct when he said “Those marriages generally abound most with love and constancy that are preceded by a long courtship.” I mean, it has been 7 years, 5 months, and 22 days for those of you who weren’t counting. And second, I have been officially ordained. Brandon and I checked with the highest authority, and if everything goes as planned, Brandon will be able to claim Janelle on his joint tax return next year. The bride and groom would like to thank all of you for being here, and with their permission we will begin.

Victor Hugo once said ‘The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved.’ We are gathered today to celebrate love in all its simplicity and splendor, in all its universal, non-denominational glory as Brandon and Janelle embark on an unparalleled adventure in their lives. Most of you have been able to watch the love between them as it has grown and deepened over the past seven years, immeasurably enriching their lives. This is why Brandon and Janelle are not going to drone on today about how much they care about each other, how they promise to do this and not do that— they assume that you all already know how they feel—that’s why you’re here. And it takes a lifetime, not twenty minutes, for two people to define for themselves what the word “marriage” means. Your presence here is simply to witness their commitment to undertake such a definition. In their hearts they have long since committed themselves to each other for the rest of their lives, and when such a bond exists, it is fitting that an outer acknowledgement be made.

Though often presented as the most venerable outcome of love, marriage is nevertheless an institution that is not entered into lightly. It represents the highest form of legal and social commitment between two people—one that requires continuous sacrifice, unconditional support, and mutual respect. It means accepting each others ideals and values, not to mention families. It represents the implied trust of loving; and the intrinsic freedom of being loved. Marriage does not mean a loss of identity or the end of individuality. Marriage does not subtract from those qualities that make you such outstanding people on your own—rather, marriage is an opportunity to expose yourself, take risks, and grow because you have been promised a friend and partner for life. In marrying, you not only say “I love you today,” but also “I promise to love you tomorrow.” And you will change because of this promise. You will re-shape yourselves according to it and live differently because of it, but in turn you will feel protected by it.

In the future, happy occasions will come as surely as the morning. Difficult times will come as surely as the night. To say the words “love and compassion” is easy. But to accept that love and compassion are built upon patience and perseverance is not. But it is love, after all and before all, that has brought the two of you to this place. Love is what brought you together; love is what will keep you whole. And so, being fully aware of the significance and the importance of this pact, your dream has already been realized.

Have you brought a token of your love for each other?

We will now watch as the best men fumble to get the rings out of their pockets.

It is often said that the ring is a circle— a shape with no beginning and no end to symbolize unending love and commitment. In fact, it’s a circle because that’s the shape that fits the finger best. But these rings do say something. These rings say that even in your uniqueness you have chosen to be bonded, to allow the presence of another human being to enhance who you are. Your rings carry a potent double message: We are individuals, yet we belong with each other; we are not alone. These rings represent something precious, something significant, something priceless. May they always remind you of your intentions and inspire you to act toward their fulfillment.

You may now present your rings to each other.

Brandon and Janelle, you have committed a bold act today. May your boldness bring you all the courage, sacrifice, and magic you need for the fulfillment of your dreams. In the company of your family and friends, you have declared your love and your intentions to be life-long partners in marriage. Therefore, it is my privilege and pleasure to declare that you are:

1) now husband and wife
2) forevermore stuck with each other
3) no longer living in sin

Janelle, you may kiss the groom.

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It turned out perfect with a huge laugh at the end, though I would have loved to take one more pass at it sometime between mid-April and September. One of my many ideas that will never come to fruition is a web-based service whereby I write custom wedding ceremonies for couples, for a nominal fee. I can write any theme from ‘Genocide Around The World’ to ‘18th century French literature’, whatever they’re into, and it would be a blast. Mostly I just want to be invited to see my work performed (laziest playwright ever) and take advantage of the open bar and misty bridesmaids (Hey, options are options– by the time this might actually happen, who knows?).

In other news, I’m swamped and haven’t been writing much–at least not anything I feel compelled to post here. Patience, darlings, I’ll be back shortly with big news and a leaking pen, I promise.

Would this guy ever lie to you?

Adam

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