Innocent Abroad

Apparently, song-writing, dope-smoking and tax-evading aren’t the indomitable Willie Nelson’s only talents—now you can add ‘Horse Advocate’ and join me in a concerted ‘whaaaaa?’ I guess Willie put down his joint long enough to realize that 100,000 horses are being slaughtered in America every year to be exported as food to foreign countries. And despite the fact that a percentage of the horses slaughtered are old or sick, to Willie this is some sort of genocide that makes Darfur look like two fats kids arguing over a ham sandwich.

Just consider the excerpts:

• “Horses are all the things a truly evolved human should be.”
• “Humans abuse their power while horses use theirs only for good.”
• “There are countless examples of their innate ability and desire to heal people.”
• “I’ve always thought that the horse should be our national emblem.”
• “I’d rather be a horse.”

Wow. Compelling stuff, Willie. Actually, rather fucking insane if you ask me. Not that I’m for killing horses or any other animals (like cows… delicious cows), but the argument sucks. Every animal is therapeutic in some way or another, hence countless national programs bringing dogs, mules, giraffes, bears (okay, maybe not bears) into children’s hospitals and respite homes. Distraction and empathy are powerful tools, but in that regard I can’t see much difference between Timmy the horse and Apples the marmoset.

But horses use their power only for good? They have an innate desire to heal? I was kicked by a fucking horse when I was seven—I hope that cocksucker ended up the main course for some Chinese businessman. Elephants can also be extremely gentle creatures despite their strength, but no one is claiming they’re ‘superhuman’ because of it. Pimps are the same way. Even those bitch ass rattle snakes often bite without injecting venom, intentionally discriminating between shit they want to make go away and shit they want to kill. Electing to not use your full force all the time is smart, but not super-fucking-human.

This is the same bullshit we heard about dolphins for years, until further research showed that dolphins could actually be rather savage, and the only other species on record to gang-rape for fun. I sent an editorial to CNN the day after the Duke Lacrosse scandal broke out demanding they rename the team the Duke Dolphins as a punishment, but that damn Nancy Grace has a terrible sense of humor.

Maybe Willie has a point though, the national emblem should never have been the eagle, or the turkey (Ben Franklin, you fat douche). Neither of those creatures truly embodies the American spirit—but neither does a fucking horse! Sure, the horse played a large part in human development, but so did the chicken once we learned how to cook his ass. So what animal truly signifies the USA? Not a snake, though I like how evil they look. Not a bear; we’re too busy clobbering brown people to hibernate. Maybe the ferret—he’s a crafty little bastard. Let one pregnant bitch loose and soon you’ve got hordes of ferrets all over the place, eating your crops, taking your jobs, demanding to vote in their native language. Okay, we’ve found Central America’s national animal, but that still doesn’t solve our dilemma.

What about the shark? Nobody fucks with the shark, at least no one with any sense. The shark’s not too smart, but then again he doesn’t have to be with about eighty million serrated teeth in his mouth. The shark smells opportunity from miles away, kills indiscriminately, never sleeps, fears nothing, and thinks the entire world belongs to him. Yep, that sounds about right.

But a horse? C’mon, Willie, you wrote Red Headed Stranger, what the fuck are you doing trying to sell legislation? I suppose it is one step up from doing Taco Bell commercials, but I wouldn’t be surprised if your nachos bellgrande is what became of Mr. Ed once he was ‘retired’. But don’t take offense, man, I’m just horsin’ around– you know I still love you.

Proud to be a shark,

Adam

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