Innocent Abroad

It was just a little tidbit that sparked my outrage this morning—the byline to a crappy article stub about British model Naomi Campbell. Just to give you a cursory background on the subject in question, she is certainly no stranger to the legal system.

And now she’s back in court, this time for attacking her […]

Let me say right away that I have never been a big fan. I’m familiar with most of the material but it doesn’t grab me like so much other music, which is perfectly okay. You’ve written a lot of beautiful songs—I’m not here to attack your talent. But one thing does need […]

It started off so promising a day—my normal charge was out sick, presumably from eating too many salt and vinegar Pringles and having a massive seizure— and looked to consist of filling out paperwork and sitting on my ass, chatting up one exceptionally hot co-worker. I even got to wear sandals, which is a […]

“Sleeping with a whore, breathing right in her mouth, endlessly listening to her pissing, putting up with her stupidity and never moving a step away from her—where’s the sense in that?”—Anton Chekhov
Alli always said if you fucked a girl more than three times, you’re dating her. Apparently your average twenty-something, modern, independent woman’s brain […]

Apparently, song-writing, dope-smoking and tax-evading aren’t the indomitable Willie Nelson’s only talents—now you can add ‘Horse Advocate’ and join me in a concerted ‘whaaaaa?’ I guess Willie put down his joint long enough to realize that 100,000 horses are being slaughtered in America every year to be exported as food to foreign countries. […]

So I was hired at Consumption Junction to write articles for their home page– signature graphic, email address, hate mail, the works (CHECK IT OUT!!!). It was a trip, though regretfully short-lived. Soon after I was fired from Consumption Junction, kind of… wanna fight about it? Actually, for the first time in […]

It’s been a rough few weeks.
For the past month I’ve become mist, and an explanation must be given. My life since mid-October has been an unbelievable, roiling mess and while I could not be more engaged, my ability to regularly write short pieces and possibly post them here has been extremely limited. I’ve […]

My brother got married.

I know what everyone who knows us is thinking– ‘how could the guy who wants to write an anti-marriage book go and get hitched?’ The answer to that question is 1) I don’t know, and 2) you sorely misunderstand the purpose of our non-fiction tome-in-planning Marriage Is Dead. Suffice to […]

Last week one of my dreams came true.
I’ve been a loyal fan of Consumption Junction for nigh on 8 years now, and unlike 99% of the people who peruse said site, I’m there primarily for the editorials. CJ has amassed a collection of brilliant writers, sharp wits, dodgy characters, and social outcasts to shine […]

Come whatever may, this is what is: static shock and foster homes, 15/16 scale models of every significant sickness. You stare at your hand for an hour or two and pray for movement. The numbers won’t line up or tell their secrets and certified mail stubs only gawk at you from their position […]